Ace Markaa

Second part, more intrigue and opening plot movements to set the stage. Enjoy. Minor note, I know the flow of the meeting has to be touched up already, but again ...

Wow, so detailed, I hate to write this meager response, but I think Jack-a-Lynn has gone far deeper into this then I ever thought a reader would. Spotting errors I ...

This is a fantasy/sci-fi/alt history steampunk story. I hope you enjoy it. I'll keep posts to about 2 pages per post, so I don't scare away too many of the ...

Much of the prose doesn't flow logically and reads awkwardly whenever you get to descriptions. A silver flash raced through the dark forest at 'incredible speeds, startling any creatures it ...

A lot of other writers have the same issues, code names or types on which their characters are based on for inspiration. This is how those 'who would play who' ...

Too harsh? I am known for being honest and not to sugar coat the matter, but breaking several cornerstones of writing foundations for a first person perspective merged with narration-like ...

Biggest issue with this is the name for me. Rydia is the famous, cute and weak-willed girl from Final Fantasy 4. The name is so unusual and so iconic I ...

This is not good, and to describe it like this is a bad idea. I can't help but question what your first attempt was if this is what you wrote. ...

I don't like this rushed start, its too much too fast. The word choice is shaky at best and it flows rather poorly as a result of the confusion. It's ...

You forgot to have Wall-o-text and BIG AWESOME CAPS. Perhaps maybe one of these ^-^ or one of these O.o and of course a big :D just to be cute. ...

The problem still exists. This title of 'The White One' is just bad form in a short story when it cannot be properly developed. History means nothing when the story ...

Ace Markaa, I can clearly see what you mean about losing focus a couple of times but I'm here to explain a couple things for you. I'm not sure you ...

It was good, but in your struggle to describe and identify the character you lose focus of your objective, the conflict of a beast. The title is fluff and so ...

This is far from being perfect or original. The narration is wishy-washy and just unrefined spewing of information. You also wrote this like a summary, not a prologue. Its like ...

Starts off all epic like, LOTR style and that is not exactly wonderful because it quickly fades away after the first two paragraphs. Characters are shallow and are hard to ...